There is hope: my story with postpartum OCD

I remember when I first became a mother in 2020. A lot of people were grieving their experience of giving birth during a pandemic and that reality being SO different from their expectations. Personally, I had dreamed of being a mother for as long as I could remember. My dream came true! Once I got the hang of breastfeeding (that’s a whole ‘nother story in itself), my postpartum experience actually drastically improved my mental health. It was a welcome change of pace in my life: no homework, no work responsibilities, just bonding with my baby.

My second postpartum experience, on the other hand, was a different story. When I was pregnant with my second child In 2022, my midwives told me I was at risk of postpartum depression due to several traumatic experiences the previous year. I brushed that off but they convinced me to book an appointment with the psychiatrist & counselor for early postpartum JUST IN CASE. I owe everything to that wise midwife because I then experienced the most terrifying and isolating postpartum I could’ve imagined.

Turns out I had postpartum OCD (and some PTSD sprinkled in there, too). I couldn’t get the thoughts and images of my babies falling off our fifth floor balcony or out our windows out of my head. It was constant. Every time I closed my eyes, I’d see it. Every time I opened my eyes, I’d think about it.

Every time it got dark outside, anxiety overwhelmed me. I felt alone because my husband was with our two year old, trying to soothe her to sleep. My heart broke hearing her scream for “mama” and not being able to go to her in those early postpartum days. I questioned why I had another baby when she was still so young and needed me so much. Had I ruined her life? (Spoiler alert — the two of them are now best friends and having him was the greatest gift I could give her!)

When my husband returned to work, I was terrified to be alone with both babies. I think I spent nearly every day at my parents’ house “just in case” I couldn’t do it.

But I felt trapped — will I feel this way forever?

As a recovering “crunchy granola” person, I was very resistant to trying medication. However, nothing could’ve prepared me for the postpartum OCD. Being willing to try a medication was LIFE CHANGING… and quite possibly life-saving for me.

It took about 5 months of trial & error to find the right dosage, but I was determined to never feel that way again. I’m So thankful for wise and caring professionals in my life and the village of support that carried me through.

You might be thinking, “Ok. Cool. That sucks for you. Glad you’re better. Why am I listening to this?”.

I went on to become a doula after that second birth. Because I truly believe every mother deserves support. But where does that support come from? 

A common sentiment I hear in the community is “I KNOW it takes a village… but where is my village?”. One of the most practical pieces of advice I can bring today — both as a doula and as someone who’s been through it personally — is to PLAN your postpartum. This can look like creating a list of resources and supports you can call on if and when it gets tough. A chiropractor, a doula, breastfeeding support, a counselor or therapist. If none of those are feasible for you, start with this: post on your social media “hey, I’m having a baby next month and would love to build my village. Is anyone willing to come and help me in the postpartum period?”. I GUARANTEE people will come out of the woodwork. You are loved more than you know.

Keep this list for the postpartum period (which is 18 months and beyond, by the way! Not 6 weeks. There are major hormonal changes in the body for 2 whole years!). With that being said, I want to remind you of a simple but important fact : postpartum struggles may not be immediate. Often, I see them come to light 6,9, 12 months after the baby is born. You’re finally feeling like you’re out of survival mode, baby is starting to eat solid foods, you’re getting more sleep, you have space to think… and then you realize, “hey, that was kind of traumatizing!” Or your body realizes “we’re out of the woods now? Okay, time to release what I’ve been holding onto”.

I share that fact not to scare you, but to remind you that if this was your experience, you’re not alone! There is nothing wrong with you! It’s normal and common for your baby to be a year old and you find yourself struggling mentally. You are loved and there is support! And because of all of you brave souls walking today, there is even MORE support to guide you through.

There is hope.

*This speech was originally given in May 2025 at Flora’s Walk Brantford. https://www.canadahelps.org/en/charities/healthy-start-healthy-future-inc/p2p/FlorasWalk2024/